


Prowess

by StellaGibsonsGirl



Category: The Fall (TV 2013)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-04-24 08:21:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19169413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellaGibsonsGirl/pseuds/StellaGibsonsGirl
Summary: my body / writes into your flesh / the poem / you make of me(from “Recreation” by Audre Lorde)What if Tanya and Stella met again when Stella comes back to town for trial proceedings? What if there was another chance?I'm re-watching the series and writing alongside. Updates will be irregular because life... This is more like a writing exercise for me at this point. I want to try to incorporate some elements I'm seeing during my re-watch.





	1. Beginnings

They meet again in front of the lift. On this rainy Monday in Belfast, the last snow has been washed off the streets, but the cold lingers, making the city feel more than a little gloomy under its grey skies – a fitting atmosphere for the trial proceedings to start. No matter what, the final outcome is already clear: There will be no justice; neither for Spector nor for the families he had destroyed so brutally a little less than 7 months ago. 

The foyer is empty but for two women; one dark haired, the other blonde. Stella Gibson approaches Tanya Reed-Smith from behind, her long hair, her slender form and signature leather jacket upon her entry into the courthouse are familiar. Just as she is about to murmur “Hello”, Tanya turns around and looks her right in the eye. “I’d … I thought I’d heard your heels…” she says quietly. Her gaze shifts down, but her lips turn into what Stella wants to read as a tiny smile. The lift announces its arrival and both women step in, without any further exchange of words, looks, smiles or other signs of familiarity. 

Their seats are located at opposite ends of the room; and while Stella can’t see her, she has to make an effort not to constantly think about her either. There has not been any contact in the recent past; no exchange of messages, no phone calls, nothing. Stella had in fact not expected to run into her; had not anticipated to feel anything at the sight of her either, not anymore, not now, nothing. 

There had been a few others since she had returned to London, but nothing quite like… Tanya’s dark eyes and slender hands, tiny waist and soft lips that she recalls all too well from their encounter which had ended in such a disappointing manner at the Hilton’s lift doors all these months ago. “I must not…”, Stella reminds herself and looks at her new phone carefully hidden in her black bag. 

There’s a new message. It’s from her. “You look good,” it says, plain and simple. Just as Stella wants to put her phone back, wishing to just ban the thoughts running through her mind – thoughts of another chance she is not going to get – another text comes in: “Sorry we’re out of touch. Maybe we’ll go for coffee while you are here. Or wine. Or whiskey.” 

Stella takes one deep breath, and then another. Before she can think of what to possible write, the proceedings begin.


	2. Contact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk. A bit.

“Stella.” Tanya’s voice is quiet, but insistent. Stella turns, quickly, maybe too quickly, and almost slips on the cold grey tiles that look way too clean for a courthouse, and especially on this day of this particular trial’s beginnings. “Careful.” The hearing is done for today – it is not even three p.m. yet, but Stella feels exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

“I’m sorry.” The apology comes out of their mouths at the same time, and they look at each other with mild surprise, their eyes meeting the second time on this day. “You go first,” Stella insists quietly, her hand gently touching Tanya’s arm. 

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Tanya repeats in a low voice, this time keeping the eye contact. “Also, really, I guess I do not have an apology. When Rose… when Rose was found, I… I just had to…” “I understand,” Stella says quietly, her fingers softly stroking Tanya; reaching for her hand. “And I’m sorry, too. I was so tired when I came back to London. And there was so much work. And I don’t have any apology beyond that at all. It was...” She clears her throat, all the while looking back at Tanya. “I thought… I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore. I’m truly sorry. And a part of me decided that it was time to move on… I thought that is what I had done, but… It is so strange to be back now, even if it is just for the proceedings.” 

“I know,” comes from Tanya. “I really feel the same. I had hoped that… that Spector’s gone for good, so to say. Out of my life. Out of everyone’s life. You know? Dead and gone? But I feel I cannot escape him, and I guess nobody can, if you can’t either - and Rose…” She swallows, hard, and for the first time since the conversation started, directs her gaze down, teary eyed and suddenly looking very worn out. “How’s Rose?” Stella asks softly. “Are you in touch?” “Yes… yes, of course. And you know how it is.” “I don’t,” Stella slightly shakes her head and, out of impulse, takes Tanya’s hand, linking their fingers, feeling only softness. 

“How’s Rose?” Her voice feels hoarse all of a sudden; she really wants to hug Tanya, but it might be too much. She cannot possibly overwhelm her – overwhelm them – like this. They’ve not seen each other for months, not even talked to each other. She has moved on, and Tanya has, too. They have both moved on. “Rose, she’s… She’s been in a clinic, outside of Belfast. She’s back now, but… it’s going so slowly, Stella. She’s so skinny; she’s still so worn out. I’m worried, but I also think there’s not much I can do. I talk to her. There are days where’s she’s open and everything feels ok – and days where she…” Tanya swallows hard, firmly holding on to Stella’s hand now, with Stella’s thumb drawing careful circles. “She feels like she can’t continue and…” Stella nods. “I see. I am so sorry, Tanya. I am really so sorry.” Tanya looks at her; their gaze feeling electric all of a sudden. “I know.”

A phone rings in the distance, interrupting their moment. Tanya looks at her watch, her face getting slightly panicky in the process. “Well - I’ve got to pick up my daughters now,” she explains, suddenly sounding rushed. “But tonight… maybe tonight…” “Yes,” Stella looks at her, hoping Tanya does not realize her blush. “Whenever you’re ready. Anytime. Just call me. I’m staying at the Hilton.” “Yes. Okay.”


	3. The Call

It is already past 9 p.m. and Stella is lounging on her bed after a shower when the phone rings. She can’t say she has had a productive evening, it has just been thoughts running through her head, steadily, in circles: of Spector, of Rose, of what to expect from the trial proceedings now, now after Spector’s death. And also of that unfinished night with Tanya. 

These thoughts had come to haunt her again and again as her departure date to Belfast had approached, but she had been able to keep them in check while in London. “It will be ok,” she had told herself over and over again. And now, she needs assurance. It will be ok. Nothing will happen. Nothing can happen. What’s the worst that could happen? Ironically, the worst than can happen is also nothing. Or maybe it is repeating the past. Or maybe it is actually getting to spend the night with her. It’s useless. It’s a trap. All of it is bad. 

And now it’s Tanya on the phone, so much later than Stella had anticipated. “Gibson.” “I… I’m.. I’m still at home,” Tanya says, sounding stressed out. She takes a deep breath. “I am sorry. One of my kids has a test tomorrow, math of all things, and she didn’t actually tell me before, and… and then we had to study. She failed the last one, and…” “It’s ok, don’t worry,” Stella replies. For a half second, Stella thinks of inviting her over to the hotel. But no: Croydon. Maybe it’s too late. Probably it is.

“I can still come back to town,” Tanya continues suddenly. “Is ten too late?” “No.” Stella’s response comes quickly and instinctively. “No? So does that mean no, not tonight, or does it mean ten is not too late?” Shit. She’s flirting with her, Stella realizes - is she, though? Isn’t she? 

“It means it’s up to you,” Stella says quietly. “All of it is up to you. Tonight, any other night.” “I’m on my way. Where do I meet you? Is the hotel bar ok?” “It is. Ten?” “Ten.” 

Stella hangs up, feeling the rush of blood to her head, the ringing in her ears. She's not one to be nervous, not usually, neither with men nor with women, but this time she is. Because this feels dangerously like a mistake. Like repeating the past. But it is not a date. Nobody said it's a date. It will be ok. Nothing will happen. Nothing can happen. What’s the worst that could happen? 

Everything. That is the thing. Everything and nothing can happen. Stella gets up, walks towards her walk-in wardrobe. She better be prepared for it all. 

And it will be ok. This time it will have to be ok.


	4. To Tonight

A half hour and a nervous cup of tea later, Stella is waiting downstairs in the foyer. She is dressed in all black but for her shoes: a new pair of shiny dark red ankle boots, an indulgence of her first days back in London following the Belfast strangler case. And then she enters, and Stella immediately takes a deep breath. 

Tanya has changed into a tight blue dress accentuating her figure just perfectly; her hair is tied together in the back of her neck, she’s in very high heels making her legs appear endlessly long. “Hi.” “Hi,” Stella walks toward her; her step secure, determined. Nothing will happen here tonight. And she cannot afford her nerves to ruin this. It is her second chance at... what? Gaining Tanya's trust, maybe. Making a friend. Just talking. “You look good,” she repeats Tanya’s earlier text. “Again, I’m sorry to be so late,” Tanya says again, her hand shyly touching Stella’s arm, leading Stella to shiver. “It’s really fine, don’t worry.” Stella catches herself biting her tongue before an accidental “You smell really good,” comes out in addition. This cannot go far. This is about trust. 

They find a seat in the back of the bar; sitting next to each other – much like the other time, that other night, but tonight is not that other night, as Stella reminds herself once again. Her phone is not going to ring tonight, this evening will not be disrupted, it is just for them; no Spector to intrude. No police work, no curious journalists, no solicitors. 

There’s a single candle burning on the table, lending the atmosphere a decidedly romantic note; there music in the background is something Stella does not immediately recognize, a sensual woman’s voice – London Grammar, how strangely fitting. “I’ll get us something,” Tanya says quietly, “It’s on me… and I’ll surprise you.” Stella looks at her, realizing her flirtatious mood from their earlier phone conversation is still there. “Trust me.” Tanya is looking serious, but her eyes are smiling. 

Not two minutes later she’s back with two cocktail glasses. “I thought we deserve something strong tonight. I think we both need it,” she states, placing the glasses on the table and taking her seat next to Stella again. “Thanks. To… tonight?” Tanya catches Stella’s eyes upon their a first sip. A shiver runs down Stella's back. Gin and Tonic. High quality. Definitely high quality. “Yes,” Tanya says quietly, as she sets her glass back on the table. “To tonight… and seeing each other again.”


	5. Honesty

Stella takes a breath as she sets her glass back on the table. “So…, “ she states, as if to make a grand statement. “So,” Tanya returns with a grin on her face, “What do you think?” Stella’s hand moves across her own thigh before she looks up. “Good gin. Definitely good gin… high quality,” Stella says, her eyes meeting Tanya’s as if to challenge her. It’s a challenge she accepts. 

Tanya does not shy away, not this time. Her eyes rest on Stella’s, the corners of her mouth moving up ever so slightly, and for a second Stella can see her hands tremble. She’s just as nervous. Good. Or not good. But better than not. Stella has not felt that kind of tension with anyone, man or woman, in a really long time. But now that it seems to be reciprocated, she can actually feel her pulse, her blood racing through her veins. She’s not one to blush, but she feels hot. She takes another deep breath, and another. 

“Entirely deserved.” Tanya’s hands rest on the table, one close to her glass. Stella cannot look away. Such… such beautiful hands. “I’m happy to see you, Stella, though I wish the circumstances would be different.” “I’m happy to see you, too. Have you been ok, Tanya?” Stella remembers their brief exchange in court earlier today, the one in which Tanya had mentioned Rose and her battle against the memory of Spector and the trauma of captivity. “I think so,” Tanya says. “I mean, as much as I can be. It’s just all… an unfortunate situation, for the lack of a better word. It’s a lot. I’m supporting Rose, her family, my kids, going through my own divorce and the trouble this causes to the girls - got a daughter in puberty now and… truth be told, with this fucking court case, it’s all a little too much right now. But I want to hear from you, Stella… Are you healed, are you ok?” 

This is new information. Stella had always simply assumed that Tanya was married, but had never actually asked her about it. Now: a divorce. “Since when, why, what?” – Stella wants to ask all these questions at the same time, but she restrains herself, taking a sip of her drink to win some time. At their first encounter it all hadn’t really mattered, had it? Why does it matter now? “Because you’re… into her,” a sneaky voice in the back of her head reminds Stella. “Because you want this to be more than a night in a sticky hotel room.” 

Stella does not ask. Not about the divorce. Not yet. “Yeah, I’m okay,” she says matter-of-factly. “It took me a while to… to re-adjust to London. For my wounds to heal… for me to get what had happened – I am not sure I get it now.” Stella sighs, quietly, but loud enough for Tanya to hear. If anything at all, she will have to be honest now. With herself, and with Tanya. It’s what she deserves. It’s what they both deserve. 

“I’m sorry,” Tanya states. “And I should have talked to you earlier, before you come back to this place, before we have to address this dreadful case again, before…” “No, it’s ok. I know you were so busy. I’m here now. And I’m truly sorry to hear about your divorce and…” “It’s fine,” Tanya states, determined but not unkind. “It was entirely unrelated to the case; the past three years or so were… we were not in a good place,” she adds, taking away Stella’s immediate concerns that the case – and by implication, her involvement in it – had destroyed a perfectly fine marriage. 

“Still.” Stella looks at Tanya, and she looks back. Again. And before Stella can say anything else, Tanya’s hand moves on top of hers on the table, her fingers intertwining with Stella’s. She’s really challenging her tonight. Whatever her incentive is, Stella likes it. A lot. 

And then: “Do you have anyone in London, Stella?” Stella looks at Tanya, surprised, possibly panicky. “I’m sorry, I am prying again…” “No…” Stella clears her throat. “It’s an ok question. I don’t, I’ve… I feel often that I’m… I don’t know. But no. Not right now.” 

Once again, their eyes meet.


	6. Interruption

Just then, Stella feels her phone vibrate in her pocket. “Sorry, that might be related to the court case…,” she apologizes, “I have to take it.” She gets up hastily, turns around and finally answers. She can hardly bite back her annoyance at this intrusion of their evening, and especially of their intimate moment just before.

“It’s Dani Ferrington, Ma’m,” she hears a familiar voice. “Dani…” “I hope I’m not bothering you, Ma’m?” “Stella,” she reminds her, unable to stop herself from a slight smile despite the moment Dani just interrupted. “We’ve been over this.” She walks down the hallway. “What is going on, Dani? Will I see you in court this week? Or next?” “Yeah, I am sure you will by Thursday… but I just wanted to make sure you are ok and check in with you. I’m out in downtown Belfast with Gail right now, maybe you wanted to join us…” “Oh.” Stella just takes a breath. “And Gail says hello.” 

“Thanks Dani, for calling. And tell her I say hi. How lovely to hear you are hanging out… I’m actually… I’m actually busy right now. Another time?” She tries her best to sound nonchalant. There’s no way Dani knows she’s out with Tanya tonight. It’s just a very strange coincidence, also considering she is out with Gail. “For sure, of course. I’m sorry to be disturbing…” “Don’t worry, please. You couldn’t know… but I’ll see you in the coming days and we’ll properly make some time to talk, ok? I just need to rush off…” “Sure. Yes. And Stella?” “Yeah?” “It’s Dr. Reed-Smith, isn’t it?” “What?” Stella tries to sound genuinely surprised. “We saw her drive by and turn toward your hotel about a half hour ago. Have a good evening.” “Wow. That was quick. Please keep it to yourself, ok? And goodnight.” Stella takes a deep breath. This will have to remain private. She trusts Dani and Gail, but still. So much is at stake. “Good night, Stella. See you in court.” “Absolutely.” 

When Stella turns around and walks back into the restaurant, she immediately realizes Tanya’s no longer alone at their table. Her thoughts instantly return to that other night, the fateful night she received a phone call and returned to their table to find Tanya was being approached by a man. The night of their kiss. And now there’s another man. Tanya does not look uncomfortable, but she also does not look enthusiastic. Stella can see her take a sip of her drink and put her glass back on the table. 

She walks closer to the table. “… and she will be back shortly, so no, quite honestly, you are not invited,” Stella hears her say. What now? Tanya looks her direction and winks. Stella smiles at her, then walks up to the table. “And there she is!,” Tanya exclaims. “Sit down, honey, we were just talking about you.” “Oh?” This time Stella’s surprise is honest and mostly due to the endearment. “Patrick here kept me company while you had to take this urgent phone call, but he was just about to leave…” Stella eyes the man suspiciously, up and down. He’s not bad-looking: dark haired, muscular, Mid-thirties, maybe. And possibly in a different night… 

“Thank you, Patrick,” Stella says, “Thank you, but I am back now.” The man looks genuinely irritated at this kind of rejection that he is definitely not used to, but finally turns around and walks off; not without turning around again, apparently expecting some display of affection, just for him. “He was in school with me,” Tanya explains, leaning over toward Stella. “Not much to say, but big idiot, if you ask me,” she then whispers, her hand carefully resting on Stella’s thigh now. “Thank God you are back so I do not have to entertain him…” “You don’t,” Stella states in a slightly trembling voice. “I don’t what?” “You don’t have to entertain any men…” 

Her eyes focus on Tanya’s lips, while she scoots even closer to her and puts her hand on Tanya’s. “What do you say, we order another – or,” her lips move to Tanya’s ear, “or we… we entertain ourselves upstairs where it’s more private?”


	7. Going with the Flow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hotel bar to lift. 
> 
> (next update should be longer)

Tanya catches Stella’s eyes, then looks down at her lips. “That sounds nice…,” she says, very calmly, gently touching each of Stella’s fingers. “I need to be on my way because my kids… I cannot really expect my neighbor to stay with them past midnight…” She leans in to Stella, her lips almost touching hers. “Friday,” Tanya whispers, “Friday after school my ex is picking them up for the weekend. Have dinner with me? My house, I’m cooking… Please?” 

There’s a short moment of hesitation, and then she finally leans in all the way, makes that final move and kisses Stella, very carefully at first, then more daringly, sucking on her bottom lip. Stella plays along, enjoying this turn of events, this quite unexpected turn of events. They kiss lazily for a moment, until Stella murmurs, “At least come up with me for a real kiss, ok? Just one? I promise you’ll be home by midnight…”

Once again, they move towards the lift. This time, though, Stella is certain Tanya isn’t going to cave. She has not said anything about Croydon, also, she seems to be single, this should not be a big thing. They’re just going with the flow. Both of them. Confidently, and together. The lift announces its arrival with a “bing”, and they enter, Tanya before Stella as if to say "I won't bolt, I won't." 

Stella presses ‘7’ and the doors close. The moment they are alone, Tanya looks at her lips again and smiles. “Going with the flow, right?” she states. “Yes,” Stella returns, “Going with the flow. It's what we're doing. I’m in room 705.”


	8. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A kiss in a hotel room.

Stella leads the way, with Tanya following her. She takes her keycard out of her pocket and pushes the door open, letting Tanya enter first. She can hear her companion taking a deep breath. Stella’s heartbeat threatens to escalate; this is a turn of events she had not quite expected from this evening. Tanya turns to her, she eyes her up and down, then whispers, “I think I faintly remember someone mentioning a kiss…” and it’s enough to send Stella forward to finally fulfill the promise she made in the bar. 

Not five minutes later they are on top of Stella’s bed, Stella leaning above Tanya, their tongues lazily playing with each other and Stella’s hands starting a slow exploration of the soft material of Tanya’s dress just below her collarbone, making the other woman breathe heavily. “So soft,” Stella whispers, “Your skin is so soft; I had been wondering about this for months…” “Have you?” Tanya’s hands caress Stella’s face. “You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen… I could drown, I think…” “Please don’t… Look at me…” Stella’s blue eyes catch Tanya’s dark ones as her hand dips a little lower and lower still. 

“So good…” Stella leans down to kiss her again, feeling Tanya pull her closer, her hands now roaming across Stella’s back. For a moment this turn of events threatens to escalate the situation to a point where it’s definitely not just a kiss anymore. Stella can’t help but moan into Tanya’s mouth, her breath almost out of control. 

And then, it stops. “We have to slow down,” Tanya says quietly, pulling both of them onto their sides so they can look at each other. Tanya is holding Stella tightly around her hips, her fingers caressing her sides. “My God…” she continues. “I didn’t think it would feel so… arousing.” Stella eyes her curiously, but does not say anything. “I have to go before I am unable to leave without… without taking this further… It’s after 11:30… Shit.” She kisses Stella again, carefully, right next to her mouth. “I gotta go… I will not be in court tomorrow, but text me, ok?” Another kiss. “I’m serious…” One last kiss and then she’s gone, gently closing the door behind her. 

Stella rolls onto the pillow where Tanya’s head has just been, takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. It’s three when she wakes. No nightmare this time, but a vision of her and a dark-haired beauty in her bed. She gets up for her usual night routine, delayed by a few hours and one very long and pleasant kiss. Or several, but who is counting? 

It’s easy to fall asleep again, easy to wake up, and even though she dreads another day in court, she has something special to think about now. Things might not be as bad as she had feared upon her landing. They might even turn out well for her. 

As she takes her seat in court and orders are being called, she takes one last look at her phone and there’s a message from Dani. “I saw Dr. Reed-Smith this morning. She looked very smug. I thought you’d like to know.”


	9. Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stella and Danielle Ferrington have lunch...

“You know, she has had a really hard time after you left Belfast,” Dani begins their conversation over lunch – quite immediately, there had been a quick hug before. “Rose Stagg? Yes, I’m very aware of that. I had a look at her file this…” “Rose Stagg, for sure, yes - but I’m talking about Dr. Reed-Smith.” Stella looks at her, quite surprised that Dani might actually know about her impending divorce. “You know,” she says. “I think that I’m kind of uncomfortable discussing this right now… I’m sorry.” 

Dani smiles at Stella. “No, I know. I wasn’t implying you wanted to discuss it. I just wanted to make sure you’re aware of her… of her asking me about you. Not once or twice, but like, whenever I saw her. Had I heard anything, did I know how you were, did I think she should text you, did I think that was too straightforward, did I think she’d… stand a chance… you know and the like. I am just letting you know, just in case you didn’t know or…” Stella looked at her lunch companion. 

“I’m certainly intrigued,” she then says, almost more to herself than to Dani. “And I’d love to know what you said. If you said anything at all. But I also… I also want to be more careful this time around. So,…” Stella takes a deep breath. “And so what I think this means is that… right now there are too many things going on and I can’t or won’t…” 

“Oh, so there are things going on?” Dani looks at her expectantly. “Danielle Ferrington. I am sorry, but I won’t feed the gossip mill this time… There are things going on that I cannot talk about that may or may not concern Dr. Reed-Smith. And so let’s talk about you… for example. How is your training unit going?” Stella knew that Dani was applying to a higher rank and was in the process of going through additional training for it. “You know, I am also here for advice…” 

“All’s going well. Also, I’m in London next month,” Dani suddenly states. “Oh, yeah?” “I’ve been there a few times recently…” “And yet you never called or texted.” “I know. I have a girlfriend there.” Stella looks at her, surprised. “Really?” “Yes,” Dani responds, “really. She teaches grammar school. I met her here; she was on a trip with her class. A kid ran off and we had to look for him, and I calmed her down and… We klicked.” “Cool,” Stella says. “Well, call me when you are in town…” “Next time I will.” 

In her pocket, Stella’s phone vibrates indicating an incoming text. “I need to pay and then run,” she says. “Sadly. But I will see you in court.” “For sure…” Stella gets up, pays at the counter and walks back to the court building. Once she has taken her seat, she finally looks at her phone. It’s a text from Tanya. “I’m thinking of you.” Plain and simple. And this time Stella responds. “Me too…” – and not three seconds later, she gets a kiss emoji back. “And I’m thinking of this.” It’s gonna be a long afternoon in court…


	10. Trying times

Negotiations have been moving slowly all day. Stella feels tired, feels a headache coming on, and a bad one. They are still discussing evidence, going through files, the Belfast police under scrutiny for not discovering the links between the Spector murders earlier, then for not releasing the information earlier, then for internal miscommunication, then for questioning witnesses, but apparently not enough. 

It is absolutely exhausting, and it feels to Stella as if things were turning in a steady circle spinning faster and faster. She needs to get back to her room, needs to take off these shoes, these clothes, her make-up and just lie down so the voice in her head that’s been calling her out since she returned from lunch with Dani just stops. Just for a second. Just one. 

Stella remembers the constant pressure behind her eyelids, the heavy sting of uncried tears, the weight on her shoulders from her first time in Belfast. She has so many terrible memories of this place, of the cruelty of the case, of the losses that had to be accepted in order to be able to move on. 

So many terrible moments from this time come back to her as she is sitting in court, nervously biting her lower lip. She recalls the arrest, the way Sally Ann Spector hard stared at her, how Olivia had kept asking for her dad again and again. The impossibility of finding out where Rose Stagg was hidden had almost broken her; “your fault, your fault, your fault,” her mean inner voice had shouted and screamed, shouts and screams today. 

Swimming had been a distraction, sex had been a distraction, men had been a distraction; but just a distraction, never a cure, she realizes as she paces back to her hotel. 

But not this time around. This time around there is even more at stake, she suddenly realizes. It is not only her reputation as detective that is under scrutiny her – she knows she has made mistakes, she knows she has behaved in an unprofessional manner at times. But she had also still connected the dots that had led them to the Belfast strangler, she had found the clues to get to Rose, she had… still, she had messed things up badly. Professionally, personally. Maybe this return to Belfast is her one chance to set a few things right. To explain herself. And to finally address the feeling that rushes through her body when she thinks of Tanya. 

She’s not one to pay attention to these feelings, not usually. But she feels with everything that’s going on, Tanya deserves the truth. Deserves better. Especially after last night, after their drinks and kisses and conversations and… 

Stella enters the hotel lift and travels up to her floor, turns around the corner to get to her room. Take off the shoes, shower off the day, nap for a half hour, then call Tanya, maybe have her come over for a little while… 

In front of Stella’s hotel room door, she finds her trembling form, face hidden in her hands; she’s obviously crying. Hard. Stella kneels down next to her, softly brushes her hair out of her face. “Honey…” she whispers, “What happened?”


	11. Hot Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have to talk about it at some point...

Tanya lifts her head to look at Stella. She must have been crying for a while, her eyes are swollen, her hair looks messy. “I…” she starts. “I just can’t take it all any longer.” More tears linger in her eyes, her hands are shaking. “Oh…” Stella says, taking both her hands and looking at her. “Do you want to… come in for a moment?” All possible scenarios of horror run through Stella’s head; what if something happened to her daughters, what if there has been an accident, what someone died, what if this is about her marriage, what if this is about… last night? 

Tanya nods. “May I?” “Of course, come on…” Stella gets up, pulling Tanya up with herself. Once again she opens the door, but this time there’s much more insecurity lingering in her step. The moment is tense, but Tanya goes ahead, with Stella following closely behind, her hand on Tanya’s hip, guiding her in and then to the couch. Stella wonders for a second whether this will be the end of it all, whether Tanya will run from her room once again, but never to return. “Shall I call for some tea?” Stella asks carefully. “Or do you want… whiskey? Gin?” “No, no, just water will be ok,” Tanya says, taking a seat on the hotel room’s couch and looking at Stella, another tear threatening to fall. 

“What happened?” Stella repeats. “You are scaring me…” She looks Tanya up and down. Tanya hides her face in her hands and takes a deep breath before she looks up. “It’s just too much. I was…” she continues with a shaky voice, “I was checking on Rose… and she had another breakdown and… I am so scared she’s not going to be ok, and it’s so difficult with her husband right now… there’s no trust between them and... and my own ex is trying to ruin every second of my life by being really unreliable with everything we’ve agreed on and my oldest daughter… she questioned me about the separation and she’s failing in school and…” She swallows hard, looks down, looks at Stella again. Her lower lip trembles. 

“And the worst is that all of it, all of it is my fault, every bit of it - I ruined everyone’s life and I have to stay away from you because I will ruin yours as well and…” Tanya gets up, her hand touches her forehead before she starts trembling and almost falls to the ground. Stella realizes immediately what is happening, rushes to her side and, on impulse, hugs her from behind, just loosely, just so she is not going to fall. “Shhhhhh…” she whispers. “I got you. And you do not have to stay away from me.” 

Tanya turns in her arms. Another breath, another look at Stella. Then she almost falls into Stella, hugging her tightly, her breath on Stella’s throat is hot and heavy. Stella manages to sit back on the couch and pulls Tanya with her, her fingers stroking her hair out of her face gently. “You’re ok,” she whispers to her. “You’re ok. I know it is all too much. I am so sorry. None of this is your fault. I can’t promise you it’ll all be like before because it won’t be… but you are not alone. You are not alone in this…” 

The next day, they will not be able to tell how exactly this happens, but a mere half second later they’re kissing each other breathless, Tanya’s hands on Stella’s back, roaming under her shirt, opening the clasp of her bra, touching her breasts, first very carefully, then with the clear intention to make Stella squirm and moan; Stella pulling Tanya further into her lap, kissing her harder, making her breathe heavier. 

Nothing is going to ruin this. Nothing. This is one thing Spector is not going to take from them, not ever.


	12. The Calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An aftermath of sorts.

When Stella wakes, it has turned entirely dark outside. She’s naked in her bed, and she feels someone's warm breath on her shoulder, and a hands softly caressing her hipbone, too soft to be arousing but… comforting, somehow. She's not alone. Tanya. She has not left. Exhaling, Stella closes her eyes once again. She is not used to this. Could she get used to this? “This” being someone staying with her, someone sleeping over, someone touching her. Really touching her. Everywhere, inside and out.

“I’m so sorry to wake you,” Tanya whispers. “Don’t be,” Stella returns quietly, turning around to look at her, moving her hand up to touch her face “Are you sure you’re ok, babe?” The endearment slips out just like that, a result of Stella’s being tired, but also really content… satisfied. And relaxed… possibly even exhausted from so much kissing, so much closeness, so much more. If she’s honest with herself, she has thought of it multiple times, and lately always in connection with Tanya. “I am.” 

“Are your girls… are they taken care of?” Stella suddenly remembers that Tanya probably had not planned to stay with her, had she? “Yeah… they are both staying with friends.” Stella sees Tanya’s eyes filling with tears. “Am I a bad mother? Is that what you think?” “You’re not,” Stella tries to console her. “You also need to take care of yourself. Especially right now.” 

Tanya takes a deep breath, then leans down to kiss Stella’s lips, then her throat, then her collarbone, her hand moving up to touch her ribs, then the underside of Stella’s left breast. “Jeez…,” Stella sighs, “you are too good at that… I can’t focus when you do that…” “Good,” Tanya states. “I want you unfocused…” 

Later, they will order room service, burgers and fries. Tanya will feed Stella fries, and then Stella will indulge. They will share a bottle of wine and some of the chocolate Stella has saved in her handbag for emergency situations. It’s a night of new intimacies and old connections. And maybe, just maybe, Stella can get used to this. 

The next morning, when she’s curled up in bed with Tanya still spooning her, Stella thinks it could not have been more perfect. A conclusion of sorts, a new beginning, and a resolution. For Tanya not to despair and for Stella not to run. Refusing to confront reality, the dreadful day that surely awaits her in court, she allows herself to curl back into the dark-haired woman in her bed.

One moment, just one moment of peace.


	13. Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The inevitable morning after.

At 5 a.m., Tanya quietly slips out of Stella’s arms. Belfast is still sleeping, but she needs to rush home and get ready. The day will be spent in court. And it is decisive, because it will be the first time Rose Stagg appears in front of court, and she has promised she’ll be there before and after. They’ll all be there. It is not the kind of reunion they had all hoped for.

Before she leaves, Tanya tenderly caresses Stella’s cheek and makes sure she’s covered by the blanket and stays warm. It feels strange now, leaving her here, and not waking her up, not saying goodbye, not kissing her, not... But Tanya wants to make sure Stella is well-rested for the day. She thinks to leave a note for a second, but then decides to just send a text once she’s home – no reason to switch the light on and end up waking Stella. 

Stella will wake once she closes the door, of course, sitting up uneasily, switching on the light, running her left hand through her hair, disheveled from last night’s activities. She’ll run her right hand down her throat, across her collarbone, feeling a rough patch of skin that before this afternoon will turn into a purple spot – a hickey. She finds that she does not care. What is more important is that last night happened. This is proof it happened. 

Four hours later, the court is in full session. Things are busy; Tanya has not even been able to see Stella before she takes her seat next to her. Rose – looking even more fragile in her black suit – is sat to the left with her lawyer and husband waiting to make her statement, while Tanya and Stella are located to the right, close to Dani and other colleagues from the Belfast police. 

Stella shifts uneasily in her seat, thoughts of failure are running through her head, again. “It’s going to be ok,” Tanya tries to assure her before she leans back into her seat, crossing her legs in her short grey skirt, tempting Stella to touch her. Stella’s foot is tapping, a nervous tell. Her fingers are almost white from tension, and she stares at a dark spot on the wall across from her. When Rose is finally called into the stand, Stella’s hand reaches for Tanya’s, her fingers caressing the other woman’s, quickly and carefully, before coming back up and placing her hands on the small bag with files she has kept on her lap this entire session. 

When Stella looks up, she catches Dani’s eyes. For a brief moment, Stella wonders whether Dani has seen her hands touching Tanya’s, but that seems impossible. However, Dani smiles carefully, then moves her lips. Three words, words that inform Stella she does indeed know what is going on – or at least that she has an idea about it: “I knew it.” 

Then, Rose is called to make her statement. “Before it all started, I was called by my friend, Dr. Tanya Reed-Smith,” she begins. Stella looks over to Tanya, sees tears gathering in her eyes. Trouble has just begun.


End file.
